My life is about to take a wild turn. Come January, I leave behind all I have known for the past six years of my life. I’m leaving behind a legacy of things that should have never been. This is something I should have done long ago, but didn’t have the gall to until recently.
Change is a four letter word. Even when it is a good thing, it is a bad thing in the same fell swoop. There is really no way to gauge the way it feels to make tracks, no matter what you leave behind you…good or bad, happy or miserable. What I am leaving behind is all of those things; a stirred pot of emotions I don’t know how to properly stew. As I bite back the second guesses and choke back a number of emotions that range from pure guilt to sheer hatred to the remnants of a love long lost… I look into my own future. I already see where the void exists, but I know it has been there all my life. Filled with shit or filled with gold- it is still nothing but a vast wasteland of nothing… a space I have to fill, myself, with things of my choosing. I deeply need purposeful dialogue and meaning in my life. I have no clue where to find it.
What I want at this point- what I REALLY want, is a life that means something more. I don’t want self-validation as much as I want the satisfaction of mutual agreement and a genuine understanding with someone I care about, over a cup of tea. There is someone in my life. It’s true. But, I am extremely afraid, and hate myself for being less than cautious about it. The reality is- I am so scared that I have seriously contemplated just flitting off to some random continent; for I am less afraid of Malaria and unfamiliar places, than I am someone taking ahold of my heart and potentially destroying it.
When I fall, I fall terribly hard. When I love, I love unconditionally- perhaps too unconditionally sometimes. I am very easy to take advantage of, in such a state. I hardly knew before how to hold my feelings back…but, as time wears on, my heart grows callous and flinching. Since I am not able to take love in stride, I must protect myself against abuse- no matter how well I love a person, or how trustworthy I know that they are. I can only love in earnest. I cannot play games, I cannot lie, I am a poor actress. I am fearful and secretive, instead. Protective. Gone are the days of my youth where I felt I was free to give my affections away willingly, without fear of reprocussion.
The real difficulty is investment. I know how I feel, but am extremely afraid to invest my heart and will into this. I’m flighty, and I doubt he, or anyone else deserves that. If I ever truly feel safe enough… I’ll never inch a toe in the direction of the airport. I’ll never pack a bag. I’ll never even contemplate it. I’m not playing at the idea of loving someone. It’s something I truly want. I spent six years of my young life trying to have that… often being too forgiving, which was to my own detriment. Nothing I ever did in the sacrafice of my own dignity, panned out as useful in my pursuit. So, today… I question my values and rebuild this fortress around my heart, this time from brick and mortar… while I plan my next battle.
