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It’s high time I left. I need to leave. It doesn’t matter where I go, or how I get there, but If I keep up this facade for any longer, I may just die from being sickened by myself. I was not brought up to be dishonest. Lying and stealing- the only two things my mom would flay me within an inch of my life for. Only two things that deserved a beating that would make battered wives blush. Two things I have never felt okay doing. I’m not stealing, but I am lying… and that is terrible enough.

I’m ready to crawl into the driver’s seat of a rental car, take in the smell of the synthetic “new car smell” air freshener and drive off the face of the earth. The earth is flat today, now and forever. I will walk to the end of the earth and jump off it, because that is what is in my heart to do: to run…today, and perhaps forever. And, when I can no longer run- life will cease to be worth living. God can’t give me what I want, it seems. But, I’m going to have it anyway.

I know, however, that no matter where I go- I will always yearn for a home. I will always yearn for something more than the solitary existence I often lend myself to. We all die alone. I am comfortable with the concept. But, I need to live for someone while I still breathe. That is why my inner balance has vertigo. That is why my steady hand is trembling. That is why my words are all choked up.

I am well aware that the man I have known for so long, is no longer the person I want to live for. That does not make me miserable. I take comfort in knowing it. What keeps me up at night is the one I might want to.

It’s too early to tell. Or, at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I’ll ignore the nagging voice at the back of my head that may suggest otherwise. It is not wise to fall so recklessly. Not smart to knot up my heart in the thought of possibilities. Completely foolish to invest so deeply into something so unstable. This situation is a rickety bridge that my mind cannot sway my heart from crossing. Though I have mastered this abstraction inside my own head- the things that make sense have little clout in regard to my actions.

It is too late. My desires have reached a verdict. Now I am crushable. I have no defense. I am ripe to be picked and eaten alive by someone I barely know- and can’t help but want to know more about. This was not my plan, and I am quickly coming to realise  that “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” In life, you do not make a choice as to what you are faced with. You make a decision as to how you will tackle it.

The fact is that I am completely un-equipped to do so. I only know what I want. Aside from that I am powerless to influence a decision in my favour, and perhaps even so unwise to wish for myself the things that I do. I could easily be making a mistake, but it is dark inside my mind these days- as I break away from what is familiar and try not to think to much of what lies ahead. That is the modus of a traveler- not to have any expectations of what is coming toward you.  You can’t possibly know what is on the approach. You ain’t never been there. But, fuck you’ll soon enough know the taste. And, what’s more- you may not even fucking like it much- but goddamn it if you won’t eat your cake, lie in your bed, and reap it. You’re going to reap it motherfucker, whether you like it or not. You’re going to reap it, and you’re going to live with what grows out of it.

Red pill, blue pill- makes not a lick of fucking difference. I know there is no fate, but there are no accidents, either. I truly believe that the truth of our lives lies somewhere in between chaos and control- in the grey area between pre-destiny and complete randomness. I also believe randomness is a perception. Nothing is physically random. When you break a jar full of marbles- they ALL go in a direction that is pre-determined by the law of physics. It’s just percievedly erratic. But, are thoughts erratic? What controls the electrical impulses that wind through our thread like synapses- the infinitely complex and long wires our thoughts are telegrammed across?

Some might be driven crazy by the idea that the world lacks some sort of ultimate structure. As someone who has followed Catholicism their whole life, I am both unbelieving of and comfortable with the concept. Everything about me is one huge dichotomy. I am inclined to believe the same about life.

So fuck it. Let me reap it. Bring it the fuck on.

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