So, I’m back from a hiatus which landed me on the other coast of the USA. I’m out of the south, far from my roots. Unfamiliarity is something I’m no stranger to… so getting on here has been relatively easy. I’ve just begun to settle in. A new place, a new person in my life, a new lifestyle. It’s all very exciting and daunting at the same time… and I am sick right now, so it regrettably makes getting my shit together a little tough.
I spent a good bit of money that was meant for a car… but, at this point I don’t really fucking care. I don’t really need a car here. Cars may be the ultimate expression and objects of personal freedom, but they are a money pit… and ultimately, you can do much more with money. I’m going to put a grand by, and not lay a finger on it. It’s about time I get a job now, cause I know that soon I won’t have two nickels to rub together. As soon as my kidney stops aching and I get over this head cold, I’ll be fine. I’ll have a job soon. I just keep having residual weak spells from the mono I had back in July.
Life in general is okay. I’m pondering a lot of things. My relationship is new, and I am afraid of it. I dearly and deeply love the man I am with, but he’s so tough to read… and it has allowed me to understand that I, like most others need some semblance of familiarity and understanding. I, personally, am one who always needs to understand “why”. Not for lack of trust or being nosy… just because I’ve invested most of my life in studying people from a distance, not favoring interaction, cause I always tend to get burned. And, studying people is fine, but I’ve typically always been without a companion which did not need studying… without someone I could just feel safe and relaxed around, without having to be on constant guard about what they are thinking. I suppose this is why I’ll stick with someone familiar, even if they aren’t very good to me, which is something I’ve vowed not to do this time.
I fall so terribly hard when I do, and I put EVERYTHING into it. It’s just how I am. It’s a bit tough for me to be with someone who may feel as strongly as I do, but despite that, is reluctant to show it. He’s hard on me… cause that’s how he was raised. I’ve gathered that much. He loves me despite that, but I ponder relationships in general. Nobody leaves this world alive… and while I live I want one person to share it with. Just one- without pretention, without pride, without selfishness… I just want one person to treat me like I would treat them. I fear the prospect of love withering away into something dishonest. I fear the staleness of familiarity, but on the other hand, pray for it each night before bed…… a man I can share anything with, a man that I can understand, a man who can understand me.
I believe that he and I have achieved the milestone of genuine love. I do not know if there is acceptance on his part… and because I am waiting to learn what he really thinks, I can not truly accept the situation either- though I have told myself time and again: “Jess…if it doesn’t work this time, you can just leave to Africa.”
What if… I don’t want Africa as much as I want this? What if it’s not an even trade? What if I’m dead tired of running from things just because they’re nerve wrecking or difficult? I may be a nomad, but I am still a red blooded woman. I still thirst for love and understanding (preferably someone who could understand I am a nomad and love me for it… haha). It is not falling in love that I fear…it is the hopes, and dreams, and wishes that come along with that…. and potential failure- which isn’t just accepted… it’s expected.
I’ve determined that I am just going to sort my shit out- school and what not… try to get a decent job, and just go with the flow. Hoping for a trip to Costa Rica soon, to visit a friend. I need the escape. Traveling is often the only thing in life that makes me feel accomplished, since school doesn’t achieve that at all. I often wonder how I’ll feel once I’ve surmounted the great obstacle of getting my degree… and I am a teacher. Will it be as rewarding as my imagination makes it?
