You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t. I’m learning to live aeterno modo. That’s what movement taught me before Soren could get his claws into me. Fear of regret is futile…and because I believe sometimes I, myself am an exercise in futility- that should explain quite simply why I am so full of fear of regret. I live in it, and I can’t determie for the life of me why.
The answer to life seems to be to live how you choose and never be afraid of your choices if they are educated ones… and perhaps even if they aren’t.
I’ve become wrapped up in some kind of strange urgent fear of failing. Failing to find suitable work, failing to plan and pave a sturdy road for the future, failing at my relationship. It’s all about fear these days. I think back to that bridge in Lanquin. I wanted to jump off of it, but I was so clouded with fear that I didn’t. I’d jumped off of other bridges before… why that time and that bridge?
It’s a perfect analogy for my life. My life is the jump. I am standing on the bridge- and I desire to jump. I really want to. But, for some reason- my brain has frozen my legs to the spot. I want to live, and yet put it off til tomorrow. And, part of it’s fear of judgement. Fear of not fitting in. Fear of not fitting a pattern. I don’t want him to hate me for being the somewhat reckless person that I am. I want to be “normal”. I realize that’s just not possible. I’m not a square. It’s not me. And, trying to be a square gives me visions of running.
I don’t want to regret my decisions. So I don’t decide.
