I came to the depressing conclusion today that my mysophobic boyfriend has been acting off because his OCD is getting bad again. He used a whole bar of soap today. I’m sure his hands have been washed raw. They’re normally dry. But, I’m certain an entire bar of Lever 2000 isn’t exactly wonderful for your skin. Mine hands are as dry as the Gobi Desert, cause I’m trying my best to make him feel comfortable. I’m not really a handwasher. I stick with George Carlin on those matters- you wash them when they’re dirty.
But, his concept of dirty is nowhere near the same as mine or yours. He washes for the satisfaction of feeling clean… Not actually being clean but FEELING clean. And I can tell he’s apprehensive about touching things- doorknobs, food, me even. He uses his car key to press the elevator buttons and to open the door to his car. I tried looking the other way when he slapped my caviar sandwich together this morning. I understood. He didn’t want to touch the food. And, sometimes I don’t think he wants to touch me, either.
This is the second time this week I’ve changed the bedsheets. I just finished wiping everything imagineable in the room down. I don’t mind doing it. I like things clean, myself… but it’s the thought that I’m germy to him. I know that’s how he feels…even if he doesn’t want to tell me that. I’m not sure what to do. So, I’m just going to deal with it.
Ask me how it feels, though. It’s not disappointment or anger. It’s simply confusion. Confusion about how to feel, confusion about what to do. He’s a stone wall when it comes to expressing emotion. I have no way of absolutely knowing what bothers him nine times out of ten… so I have to wager guesses. Being the self-depricating type that I am, it makes it easy to assume the worst case scenario, and in my opinion simply more realistic. Certain t hings start going through my mind… What if it gets worse, and some time down the road- he doesn’t want to touch me anymore? What if he goes back to taking three hour long showers and washing his hands til they bleed? It’s so hard to think about. I love him so much, and I don’t want to see him hurting or on medication. I wish he would open up. I’m still figuring out how to pry him open.
