For all of my life I’ve met praise for my body, and for the most part I’ve been quite happy with it. My boobs aren’t uncomfortably huge, I look good in most ready to wear clothing, and they always have my size.  Just as every girl, I wince when I get on the scale to see I’ve gained that extra five or cellulite starts to work it’s way into my thighs from too much sitting around… but, I’ve never felt bad about the way I look, or met with disapproval from someone else… until now.

I know I shouldn’t care- but, we women are cursed with the ever present issue of self esteem. If you take a gander at modern day Los Angeles (where I currently reside), you can see plainly that women everywhere are modifying themselves to please the men they love and spite the girls they hate. I am no different. I fall victim to the whims of a man just as quickly as any other girl- and none of us are immune. It’s ingrained in us to attract the opposite sex- and some will do it by any means necessary.

My boyfriend is a great person. I love him dearly and honestly, but with every cool, interesting guy we meet- there is always a downfall, a catch… He’s the most critical person I’ve ever been with in my life. Ever. I have never been so conscious of the way I look, smell, or dress in the entire length of my existence. I honestly don’t think I was doing too bad of a job before, and I never had to think about it- but now? It’s always on my mind.

Here’s the deal. He likes ‘voluptuous’ women. Cartoonish creatures with giant breasts teensy waists, and asses that look like they were inflated with helium. Where these super-womanly beings reside (other than in the valley), I can’t say for certain. But, what I do know is… they’re exactly what I am not. What the hell he is doing with me, if that’s what he finds attractive, I can hardly figure. And, he has no qualms about telling me, staring at other girls asses when we’re out together, or cracking jokes. I feel like an anorexic teen fashion model…without the fashion model part.

Yeah, it sucks to be at the opposite end of what is attractive. Now I know what fat chicks go through. It’s self-esteem crushing. But, unlike many bigger girls, there is very little I can do about it. I eat plently- sometimes more than plenty. I don’t over exercise. And, even during bouts of depression when I’ve sat on my ass for months on end- my weight really never budged. I’m just thin. My momma is thin, both my grandmothers were thin. My great grandmother was thin. And, my father is thin too. Tall and thin.

So, what does one do when she finds herself in such a predicament that her boyfriend spends a great deal of time fantasizing about the girl I can’t possibly be? Eat more, as he has “jokingly” suggested more times than I can count? Modify myself? Do I leave? Do I bite my tongue and deal with it? How do you face the painful reality that you aren’t what he wants on the menu?

He insists I’m being ridiculous. He insists he loves me regardless. But, who the fuck is he fooling? He clearly likes something else more. And, I’m not that something else. While the jokes may have ceased, the actions remain the same. Staying up all night and looking at porn when I’m RIGHT THERE speaks volumes. Losing it while we’re in the moment says it even louder. You may like me as a person- but, the physical chemistry isn’t there. Porn has fried your brain. That’s what women look like to you, and I don’t think I can convince you that despite the fact that I only wear a size six, I’m still a woman too. A woman who used to be quite happy with how she looked.

So next time I find nude pictures of your “voluptuous” ex in your email folder, please try to understand why I’m upset. We’d be perfect- if only I looked more like her.

But, his concept of dirty is nowhere near the same as mine or yours. He washes for the satisfaction of feeling clean… Not actually being clean but FEELING clean. And I can tell he’s apprehensive about touching things- doorknobs, food, me even. He uses his car key to press the elevator buttons and to open the door to his car.  I tried looking the other way when he slapped my caviar sandwich together this morning. I understood. He didn’t want to touch the food. And, sometimes I don’t think he wants to touch me, either.

This is the second time this week I’ve changed the bedsheets. I just finished wiping everything imagineable in the room down. I don’t mind doing it. I like things clean, myself… but it’s the thought that I’m germy to him. I know that’s how he feels…even if he doesn’t want to tell me that. I’m not sure what to do. So, I’m just going to deal with it.

Ask me how it feels, though. It’s not disappointment or anger. It’s simply confusion. Confusion about how to feel, confusion about what to do. He’s a stone wall when it comes to expressing emotion. I have no way of absolutely knowing what bothers him nine times out of ten… so I have to wager guesses. Being the self-depricating type that I am, it makes it easy to assume the worst case scenario, and in my opinion simply more realistic.  Certain t hings start going through my mind… What if it gets worse, and some time down the road- he doesn’t want to touch me anymore? What if he goes back to taking three hour long showers and washing his hands til they bleed? It’s so hard to think about.  I love him so much, and I don’t want to see him hurting or on medication. I wish he would open up.  I’m still figuring out how to pry him open.

The answer to life seems to be to live how you choose and never be afraid  of your choices if they are educated ones… and perhaps even if they aren’t.

I’ve become wrapped up in some kind of strange urgent fear of failing. Failing to find suitable work, failing to plan and pave a sturdy road for the future, failing at my relationship. It’s all about fear these days. I think back to that bridge in Lanquin. I wanted to jump off of it, but I was so clouded with fear that I didn’t. I’d jumped off of other bridges before… why that time and that bridge?

It’s a perfect analogy for my life. My life is the jump. I am standing on the bridge- and I desire to jump. I really want to. But, for some reason- my brain has frozen my legs to the spot. I want to live, and yet  put it off til tomorrow.  And, part of it’s fear of judgement. Fear of not fitting in. Fear of not fitting a pattern. I don’t want him to hate me for being the somewhat reckless person that I am. I want to be “normal”. I realize that’s just not possible. I’m not a square. It’s not me. And, trying to be a square gives me visions of running.

I don’t want to regret my decisions. So I don’t decide.

I spent a good bit of money that was meant for a car… but, at this point I don’t really fucking care. I don’t really need a car here. Cars may be the ultimate expression and objects of personal freedom, but they are a money pit… and ultimately, you can do much more with money. I’m going to put three grand by, and not lay a finger on it. It’s about time I get a job now, cause I know that soon I won’t have two nickels to rub together. As soon as my kidney stops aching and I get over this head cold, I’ll be fine. I’ll have a job soon. I just keep having residual weak spells from the mono I had back in July.

Life in general is okay. I’m pondering a lot of things. My relationship is new, and I am afraid of it. I love and appreciate the man I am with, but he’s so tough to read… and it has allowed me to understand that I, like most others need some semblance of familiarity and understanding. I, personally, am one who always needs to understand “why”. Not for lack of trust or being nosy… just because I’ve invested most of my life in studying people from a distance, not favoring interaction, cause I always tend to get burned. And, studying people is fine, but I’ve typically always been without a companion which did not need studying… without someone I could just feel safe and relaxed around, without having to be on constant guard about what they are thinking. I suppose this is why I’ll stick with someone familiar, even if they aren’t very good to me, which is something I’ve vowed not to do this time.

I fall so terribly hard when I do, and I put EVERYTHING into it. It’s just how I am. It’s a bit tough for me to be with someone who may feel as strongly as I do, but despite that, is reluctant to show it. He’s hard on me… cause that’s how he was raised. I’ve gathered that much. He loves me despite that, but I ponder relationships in general. Nobody leaves this world alive… and while I live I want one person to share it with. Just one- without pretention, without pride, without selfishness… I just want one person to treat me like I would treat them. I fear the prospect of love withering away into something dishonest. I fear the staleness of familiarity, but on the other hand, pray for it each night before bed…… a man I can share anything with, a man that I can understand, a man who can understand me.

I believe that he and I have achieved the milestone of genuine love. I do not know if there is acceptance on his part… and because I am waiting to learn what he really thinks, I can not truly accept the situation either- though I have told myself time and again: “Jess…if it doesn’t work this time, you can just leave to Africa.”

What if…  I don’t want Africa as much as I want this? What if it’s not an even trade? What if I’m dead tired of running from things just because they’re nerve wrecking or difficult? I may be a nomad, but I am still a red blooded woman. I still thirst for love and understanding (preferably someone who could understand I am a nomad and love me for it… haha). It is not falling in love that I fear…it is the hopes, and dreams, and wishes that come along with that…. and potential failure- which isn’t just accepted… it’s expected.

I’ve determined that I am just going to sort my shit out with school, and just go with the flow. Hoping for a trip to Costa Rica soon, to visit a friend. I need the escape. Traveling is often the only thing in life that makes me feel accomplished, since school doesn’t achieve that at all. I often wonder how I’ll feel once I’ve surmounted the great obstacle of getting my degree… and I am a teacher. Will it be as rewarding as my imagination makes it?

I’m ready to crawl into the driver’s seat of a rental car, take in the smell of the synthetic “new car smell” air freshener and drive off the face of the earth. The earth is flat today, now and forever. I will walk to the end of the earth and jump off it, because that is what is in my heart to do: to run…today, and perhaps forever. And, when I can no longer run- life will cease to be worth living. God can’t give me what I want, it seems. But, I’m going to have it anyway.

I know, however, that no matter where I go- I will always yearn for a home. I will always yearn for something more than the solitary existence I often lend myself to. We all die alone. I am comfortable with the concept. But, I need to live for someone while I still breathe. That is why my inner balance has vertigo. That is why my steady hand is trembling. That is why my words are all choked up.

I am well aware that the man I have known for so long, is no longer the person I want to live for. That does not make me miserable. I take comfort in knowing it.

It’s too early to tell. Or, at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I’ll ignore the nagging voice at the back of my head that may suggest otherwise. It is not wise to fall so recklessly. Not smart to knot up my heart in the thought of possibilities. Completely foolish to invest so deeply into something so unstable. This situation is a rickety bridge that my mind cannot sway my heart from crossing. Though I have mastered this abstraction inside my own head- the things that make sense have little clout in regard to my actions. This was not my plan, and I am quickly coming to realise  that “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” In life, you do not make a choice as to what you are faced with. You make a decision as to how you will tackle it.

The fact is that I am completely un-equipped to do so. I only know what I want. Aside from that I am powerless to influence a decision in my favour, and perhaps even so unwise to wish for myself the things that I do. I could easily be making a mistake, but it is dark inside my mind these days- as I break away from what is familiar and try not to think to much of what lies ahead. That is the modus of a traveler- not to have any expectations of what is coming toward you.  You can’t possibly know what is on the approach. You ain’t never been there. But, fuck you’ll soon enough know the taste. And, what’s more- you may not even fucking like it much- but goddamn it if you won’t eat your cake, lie in your bed, and reap what’s been sown. You’re going to reap it motherfucker, whether you like it or not. You’re going to reap it, and you’re going to live with what grew out of it.

Red pill, blue pill- makes not a lick of fucking difference. I know there is no fate, but there are no accidents, either. I truly believe that the truth of our lives lies somewhere in between chaos and control- in the grey area between pre-destiny and complete randomness. I also believe randomness is a perception. Nothing is physically random. When you break a jar full of marbles- they ALL go in a direction that is pre-determined by the law of physics. It’s just percievedly erratic. But, are thoughts erratic? What controls the electrical impulses that wind through our thread like synapses- the infinitely complex and long wires our thoughts are telegrammed across?

Some might be driven crazy by the idea that the world lacks some sort of ultimate structure. As someone who has followed Catholicism their whole life, I am both unbelieving of and comfortable with the concept. Everything about me is one huge dichotomy. I am inclined to believe the same about life.

So fuck it. Let me reap it. Bring it the fuck on.

Change is a four letter word. Even when it is a good thing, it is a bad thing in the same fell swoop. There is really no way to gauge the way it feels to make tracks, no matter what you leave behind you…good or bad, happy or miserable. What I am leaving behind is all of those things; a stirred pot of emotions I don’t know how to properly stew. As I bite back the second guesses and choke back a number of emotions that range from pure guilt to sheer hatred to the remnants of a love long lost… I look into my own future. I already see where the void exists, but I know it has been there all my life. Filled with shit or filled with gold- it is still nothing but a vast wasteland of nothing… a space I have to fill, myself, with things of my choosing. I deeply need purposeful dialogue and meaning in my life. I have no clue where to find it.

What I want at this point- what I REALLY want, is a life that means something more. I don’t want self-validation as much as I want the satisfaction of mutual agreement and a genuine understanding with someone I care about, over a cup of tea. I want to start anew, but I am extremely afraid, and hate myself for being less than cautious in matters of love. The reality is- I am so scared that I have seriously contemplated just flitting off to some random continent; for I am less afraid of Malaria and unfamiliar places, than I am someone taking ahold of my heart and potentially destroying it.

When I fall, I fall terribly hard. When I love, I love unconditionally- perhaps too unconditionally sometimes. I am very easy to take advantage of, in such a state. I hardly knew before how to hold my feelings back…but, as time wears on, my heart grows callous and flinching. Since I am not able to take love in stride, I must protect myself against abuse- no matter how well I love a person, or how trustworthy I know that they are. I can only love in earnest. I cannot play games, I cannot lie, I am a poor actress. I am fearful and secretive, instead. Protective. Gone are the days of my youth where I felt I was free to give my affections away willingly, without fear of reprocussion.

The real difficulty is investment. I know how I feel, but am extremely afraid to invest my heart and will into this. I’m flighty, and I doubt anyone deserves that. If I ever truly feel safe enough… I’ll never inch a toe in the direction of the airport. I’ll never pack a bag. I’ll never even contemplate it. I’m not playing at the idea of loving someone. It’s something I truly want. I spent six years of my young life trying to have that… often being too forgiving, which was to my own detriment. Nothing I ever did in the sacrafice of my own dignity, panned out as useful in my pursuit. So, today… I question my values and rebuild this fortress around my heart, this time from brick and mortar… while I plan my next battle.

“When I said there is a possibility of negotiations, there are certain conditions that need to be realized. If these conditions are met, the form (of negotiations) is not important. The way they have treated our people here has left no ground for talks. They [the US government] think no one can live without them and this is a wrong notion. We have proved we can live without them. As long as they take that overbearing position of strength and threats, nothing will happen.”

- Ahmadinejad

Ahead of a major meeting of six major world powers in Paris to discuss the future of Iranian nuclear pursuits, there is a question that begs asking: “How do we handle non-compliance?”

The talks are technically still aimed at answering whether Iran has a right to brew and still nuclear glory, and European Foreign Policy Chief Javier Solana is interested in seeing a direct dialogue between the United States and Iran (something president-elect Barack Obama has promised he will do.) The IAEA also desires such talks. “If there is a direct dialogue between the United States and Iran, I think Iran will be more forthcoming with the agency,” Reuters quoted IAEA Director-General Mohamed ElBaradei as saying at a news conference in Prague today.

Despite the possibility of a dialogue, there have been indications that Iran has tested nuclear weapons. The IAEA says that the facts on the matter still are not clear. Meanwhile, as of a few hours of this article, Iran has successfully tested the Shahab-3 in Kurdistan, a missile with a range of up to 2000km. Such tests were thought to be a result of Israeli military exercises. However, these kinds of aggressive displays should not be ignored in the face of the P5+1 meetings.

One of the most interesting aspects of Iran’s over-confidence and perhaps, outright cockiness- are the “how’s” and “why’s”…How and why the nation has been able to continue it’s operations, uninterrupted. Two of the nations which will be present at the P5+1 talks have spoken on Iran’s behalf, against stalling their nuclear operations. One such country has had sanction’s placed against one it’s main arms exporter for alleged sales of restricted materials to Iran: Russia. The other nation has strong ties and reliances on Iran’s petrol industry, and has grown very close to Iran, as it’s imports to the nation continue to rise, and are expected to exceed $25 Billion by the end of 2008. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iran-China_relations)

China and Russia have effectually stood in the way of western intervention in Iran’s nuclear pursuits, suggesting, as the whole of the Iranian government has, in the past, that their interests lie solely in generating Nuclear power for the country. Despite this, it continues to grow more, and more evident that Iran’s interests are not peaceful ones. So, why is China aiding Iran? More likely than not, because of petrol interests. There have even been suggestions China could be or will choose to “help” Iran’s nuclear development, as they are currently doing with Pakistan. (http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/10/16/world/main4527309.shtml)

During the time that has been spent negotiating political hurdles with our international match, Iran has been able to create more than 4000 centrifuges

( http://www.isn.ethz.ch/isn/Current-Affairs/Security-Watch/Detail/?ots591=4888CAA0-B3DB-1461-98B9-E20E7B9C13D4&lng=en&id=93030 )   and the latest report by the IAEA     (http://www.iaea.org/Publications/Documents/Board/2008/gov2008-38.pdf) suggests that Iran has produced up to 28 tons of Uranium, and may be recieving help from a Russian scientist.

Over all, the agency has seen considerable trouble in getting Iran’s cooperation:

“On 2 April 2008, the Agency requested Iran to provide, as a transparency measure, access to
additional locations related, inter alia, to the manufacturing of centrifuges, R&D on uranium
enrichment, and uranium mining and milling (GOV/2008/15, para. 13). Iran has not yet agreed to the Agency’s request.
13. On 3 September 2008, the Agency conducted an inspection at the Bushehr Nuclear Power Plant. All of the fuel assemblies imported from the Russian Federation for use at the plant have remained under Agency seal.”

Most interestingly though, the report provides a troubling parallel between the very recent missile tests and Iran’s nuclear program:

“(e) Some important parameters reflected in the documentation relating to the re-design of the
payload chamber for the Shahab-3 missile re-entry vehicle are the same as those reflected in
the documentation referred to in paragraphs (c) and (d) above (e.g. dimensions). The Agency
proposed discussions with Iranian experts on the contents of the engineering reports
examining in detail modelling studies related to the effects of various physical parameters on
the re-entry body from time of launch of the missile to payload detonation. The discussions
would be aimed at ascertaining whether these studies were associated with nuclear related
activities or, as Iran has asserted, related only to conventional military activities. In addition,
the Agency requested access to three civilian workshops identified in the documentation.”

The Iranian problem drills much deeper than any politician will admit. They could potentially have nuclear weapons as we speak. But, as long as China and Russia stand in the way of disarmament neither the US, nor the European Union can take direct action. Both China and Russia have been politically aggressive, and picking up speed in the past few years.

Russia’s democratic reforms have been rolling steadily back. Both the mafia and the government have become much more aggressive, and the Kremlin is back in the wary public eye again, as it plans to move it’s next pawn. A very interesting article (http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5jDX1B9fKmdtRjNhAGvwOK4Qrddmg) shows that Russia is more than ready to test Obama.

China is less interested in testing the United States, and more interested in doing whatever it pleases, in the face of our ailing nation. The US policy towards China has been one of walking on eggshells, so as not to wake the sleeping giant. Many people think this would be a very poor move, indeed, given that the United States is overstretched in it’s Middle Eastern proxy war- a red herring in which China was most assuredly pleased in throwing.

As China continues to create strategic alliances with the most oil-rich nations on earth (Venezuela, Iran, Russia., etc.) and puts it’s stranglehold on others (Sudan, and it’s strategic pipeline), it becomes more evident that the United States will have to face them, perhaps at the cost of keeping nuclear weapons out of the reach of Iran, perhaps at the cost of a bigger issue. But, even if Iran’s project can be quelled by “talks” (this is doubtful- as Iran is interested in having the power that comes with possessing nuclear weapons), more trouble is just around the corner.

This is not an issue of Palestine and Israel. This is an issue of greater proportions.